Being The Perfect Uke Is Harder Than It Seems
by DelMarch
Summary: Yumichika would so totally make the Perfect Uke, and he's out to prove it. There's just one problem... Shuuhei x Yumichika, Byakuya, Iba, Zaraki, and some of the other captains in the background. One-shot. CRACK. Mentions of sex, but nothing graphic.


**Title**: Being The Perfect Uke Is Harder Than It Seems  
**Genres**: Humour, romance  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Characters**: Hisagi Shuuhei x Ayasegawa Yumichika, Kuchiki Byakuya, Iba Tetsuzaemon, Zaraki Kenpachi, and other captains in the background  
**Warnings**: Vague mentions of sex but nothing graphic

**Summary**: Yumichika would make the Perfect Uke - or would he?

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach nor its characters, and I am making no money from writing this fic.

**A/N**: Vaguely set in my Blind universe.

xxx

**Being The Perfect Uke Is Harder Than It Seems**

Hisagi Shuuhei was troubled. He figured it must show when his friend and colleague, Iba Tetsuzaemon, asked him one morning, as they were waiting for a captains' meeting to begin, 'what the Hell had been eating him lately'.

Shuuhei hesitated, before replying in a whisper, "It's Yumichika. He's been acting all weird those last days." Unfortunately, the meeting hall being what it was, Shuuhei might as well have shouted those words...

"I can come and visit Ayasegawa-kun if you are worried about his health, Hisagi-kun." Unohana-taichou was smiling as serenely as ever, but Shuuhei shivered nonetheless while Zaraki-taichou next to him snorted loudly. There was no doubt whatsoever that Shuuhei's lover would make him pay very dearly indeed if he allowed the medical shinigami anywhere near him when he was very obviously _not_ about to die any time soon...

"No, thank you very much, Unohana-san, I'm sure he'll snap out of it soon."

There was silence for a brief moment, until the slow, low, cool voice of Kuchiki-taichou was heard. "I am aware of how intrusive such a question is, but I beg you to believe that I have an excellent reason to ask it... What exactly has Ayasegawa-fukutaichou been doing that you've found so 'weird'?"

Shuuhei scowled as he felt a wave of heat invade his entire face. Discussing his private woes with anyone but his closest friends was never high on his list. Discussing them in the middle of the meeting hall was downright embarrassing. But discussing them with Kuchiki Freaking Byakuya? That was... Yeah.

Fighting hard to stop himself from biting his lips, Shuuhei stared at the floor at his feet while explaining in as clinical and detached a way as he could manage, "He's been... exhibiting unusually fearful behaviour." Predictably, this drew a curious grunt from Zaraki, which Shuuhei very firmly and deliberately ignored as he continued, "There was that time when he went into a frenzy over a spider and begged me to kill it." Surprised murmurs rose in the hall.

Shuuhei went on. "There was also that time when he... " He hesitated; this sounded SO wrong! "... When he argued he could not change a lightbulb because... because he was afraid of heights..." This time, snickers were heard.

"Then yesterday... Yesterday..." ... He could not do it. He could not SAY it. It just... He took a deep breath, but his voice still faltered as he stubbornly forced himself to enunciate, "Yesterday I cut my hand while cooking, and he almost had a crying fit over it."

This time Zaraki roared with laughter. His hilarity was cut short, however, when Kuchiki's cold, sharp voice asked quietly, "Would I be right in assuming that in each case, Ayasegawa-san only returned to normal after you provided him with a moment of intimacy?"

Shuuhei stared into the noble captain's face. How the hell did he know about the sex...?

xxx

Later that day, Shuuhei lay down happily next to his beautiful lover and took him in his arms, quietly enjoying the afterglow running through both their bodies. The pretext this time had been a supposedly ugly - positively disfiguring in fact - spot on Yumichika's perfect-as-usual face. Finally understanding what was going on, Shuuhei had enthusiastically played along, 'comforting' his 'distressed' partner all the way to the usual sex session.

Still, he was going to have to tell him sooner or later...

"Yumichika?"

"... Hmm?" The voice was soft and distant and unmistakably _content_. It might all be a game, but the sex was great nonetheless.

"You might want to re-read the rules of the contest."

"Hm-_what_?" Shuuhei winced as Yumichika suddenly sat up in bed, nearly dislocating Shuuhei's shoulder in the process. Scowling in displeasure, Shuuhei gingerly cradled his hurting arm, before looking up into his lover's stunned face. Grumpily, he explained: "Yeah, you've missed one detail, I'm afraid."

To Shuuhei's relief, Yumichika did not bother asking how Shuuhei even knew of the existence of the contest, and focused instead on what he had just been told. Shuuhei watched him frown as he started counting on his fingers:

"Displaying emotional vulnerability, check. Getting you to comfort me, check. Having sex, check... What am I missing?"

Shuuhei sighed. "An Uke..."

"Yes?"

"An Uke... is supposed to _bottom_, Yumichika."

**xxx The End xxx  
**


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